B

Intimacy.

2009-06-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

I have never really been much of a lonely person. We all have our moments, but I am the kind of girl that makes a friend (if not more than one) everywhere she goes. It's just how I am. I crave relationship. There is a deep desire in my soul for intimate relationships. Not necessarily with one of the opposite sex but someone to know me deeply as I know them. Someone who can just look at me and know what I am thinking or feeling. A friend who doesn't even need to ask, "How are you?" because they already know. I have more then a hand full of these at home! I am blessed in the friendship department. No doubt about it.

The unfortunate thing about moving a state away is that you move from all of those relationships. Not that they disappeared or my friendships have ended, it's just not the same being far away. I have made so many connections here in the Nampa/Boise area and many friends. But it seems that I don't have any intimate relationships. I have friends that I hang out with from time to time, but recently I have been feeling so empty and incredibly lonely. I am in longing. My desire for intimate relationship has consumed me.

Sitting home alone most of today I realized this. I also began to remember who I am. I am Breanna. Intentionally created, marvelously and shamelessly by an incredible God who longs to have intimate relationship with me. His desire is so intense and powerful that He placed me in beauty. If only I opened my eyes more. I get to see trees growing everyday. The sun shine- most days. And birds flying gracefully. I even the stars! Oh the stars... holes to heaven.

Why am I so lonely? When here He is. Sitting right next to me. Whispering sweet nothings into my ears. Speaking Words of life to my soul. Yet there I dwell in my sorrow, my pain and consequences.

Last week one of my dear friends sent me a text out of the blue. Here are it's contents-

"and after you have suffered for a little while, the God of grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you."

What glorious truth. It was like water for my dry soul! I have been feeling as if I am lost in the desert of suffering. Barely being able to get out of bed, not hungry, I have caught myself sighing all day long. Moaning in suffering. What have I learned? Will I ever grasp the truth that I am never alone? That the God of grace loves me more than I will ever be able to understand. Relationship with Him will fill this longing for intimacy in me. I am by no means writing off the importance of human relationship but refocusing on the truth that is, my relationship with Him is more than first. It is only. For me to have any feelings of peace of wholeness in my life- it is to put Him at the focus on my existence. Then, and only then, will I live as I was designed. Living, truly, as a human.

Lord, confirm me. Strengthen me. Father establish me. I give up the fight to stand alone. Take me. Stand beside me and take my hand as I suffer. I pray that my suffering is all for your glory O Lord. I receive your grace.

Amen.

Thanks in Struggle.

2009-06-21T19:38:00.000-07:00

"If you try to save your life, you will loose it. But if you give it up for me, you will surely find it."

I had no idea that I would ever been living in Idaho. Nampa. 6 months ago- no clue. Who am I kidding, 3 weeks ago I didn't know. I struggle sometimes. I have always asked "Why?" and I am pretty sure I have pushed my mother to the edge of insanity with, "But MOM!! Why?!" (along with other things...) I remember so clearly the day I was first introduced to the Word. I asked so many how's and why's. Well in the last 13 days I have figured out some of the why's of life at this point. Why Idaho? My recent response has been, Why not? There is something in me, that I can only describe as a longing, to be closer to God. But why Idaho? Today, I am done asking why.

I have been reading this morning- a thought about relationships came to mind. It stated, "If you have become a necessity to anyones life, then you are not in God's will" (Anyone thinking what I am thinking? Oh crap...). God created us for relationship right? I mean, I need my mom, dad and baby brothers. And Elizabeth and Michael and Ashley and Travis and Derm and the Grishams and the Tripletts and the Nestors and the Hostulers and the Hudsons and Ashley H, and Hamanda and the Sunds and the Hills and the Carners and my Starbucks family! I need them. But here I am stripped of those relationships, no longer at my finger tips. The only one I truly need is the one I have in Him. I now only have one relationship at my finger tips, at my side, in my every move, in every call and in every whisper. What a gift, no? For God to remove me from the comforts of "Home" and place me in His arms. I never guessed that would be in Nampa, I figured maybe in Africa somewhere.

I was briefly discussing the subject of love with one of my new friends the other day. About how I so excitedly anticipate the wonders of being in a deep, intense, overflowing love. And may that love that has so greatly changed me, in turn change those around me. That they may feel more at home, more at peace and more loved all because of this love in me. I just realized- I already possess this love. Since the day that I said to Him, "Take me Lord. All of me, is yours."

Along with the fact that I am now dwelling in Idaho, I was unaware that I could have such joy so far from my Mother and Father and friends. It just became so clear! He did not come to bring peace, but a sword. Yes the Lord desires unity, but only in Him. He came to take me away from my Father and Mother that I may be closest to Him. For this I praise His name. I rejoice greatly because of hearing His voice. This joy of mine is full. May I decrease that He may increase.

Lord thank you for all of the incredible intimate relationships that you have blessed me with. Most of all Lord, thank you for the struggles and trials that take me farther from myself and closer to your love. May I hear your whispers this day.

Amen.

I miss everyone at home so much. So much that my teeth hurt and it makes getting out of bed even harder knowing that I will not see you this day, week or maybe even months. But may God's peace overwhelm you as it has me, and don't forget to call and write :) I love you.

Here I go.

2009-06-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

So here it is- blog numero uno! I need a place to pour out my soul, to start writing again and somewhere to stretch my heart out. To listen and be listened to. I am going to give this little blog spot a shot baby! I will probably post some new stuff and some old stuff to get me going.

I pray that you enjoy reading about my life.